I’m standing here in the doorway, staring at Your face,

Wondering if I am even allowed here in this room;

And I’m holding in this jar everything I own,

Wondering what they’ll say if I pour all of it on You. 

I slowly step towards You, as they slowly turn and stare,

Their faces aghast in mockery and disgust;

I hear someone whisper, “What is she doing here?”

As my tears track lines through the dust.

 
But then my eyes meet Yours and I can scarcely breathe,

As You tell them all to leave me alone.

And as I pour everything I have upon Your head,

All I can see is my King on a throne.

 
But now You’re saying words that I don’t understand,

You’re saying people will remember me

As the one who anointed You for Your burial,

But I cannot fathom how that can be?

 
The words You’re speaking, they’re not making any sense,

You’re saying that You will be gone soon;

And perfume runs down Your cheeks, as tears run down mine,

And Judas quietly slips from the room.

 
—————

 
I’m standing here in this garden, staring at Your face,

Heavy with exhaustion and with sorrow;

The things You have been saying, they don’t make any sense,

And I am terrified of what may come tomorrow.

 
I slowly step towards You, and You slowly turn to me,

Something like pain and resolution on Your face;

And You say, “Wait here and pray against temptation,”

And I smell perfume as You walk to a quiet place.

 
My eyes meet Yours and I can scarcely breathe,

As You kneel down and you begin to pray;

And as my eyes begin to close, I see sweat like drops of blood,

Tracking lines through the dust on Your face.

 
But now You’re here before me, asking why I am asleep,

And shame washes that very sleep from my eyes;

Movement grabs my attention; Judas leads a crowd,

Silver lining his pocket like a prize.

 
The words that You’re saying, they’re not making any sense,

“Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?”

And someone’s sword is raised and now I can see blood,

But You stop them and say, “No more of this.”

 
—————

 
I’m standing in this courtyard, staring at Your face,

And I can’t believe what has happened here.

How could it have all gone so wrong? It makes no sense,

I am quivering with anger and fear.

 
And as I sit by this fire someone is looking at me,

And now I’m doing my best to avoid her eyes;

“This man was with Him!” She is saying to all those here,

 “Woman, no, I do not know Him,” I lie.

 
Now I’m standing by this building, trying to keep track of You,

And I see another man looking my way;

“You are also one of them,” he says to me, again,

“But I am not!” I reply, as I quickly walk away.

 
Now I’m standing here in the crowd, a hint of perfume in the air,

And someone else says, “You’re also from Galilee.”

I say, “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

And You turn Your head and You look straight at me.

 
And now a rooster is crowing and my whole world is breaking,

But I see love, not judgement in Your hurting eyes;

And tears line my face, while blood is lining Yours,

Because You were right, I denied You three times.

 
—————

 
I’m standing in this courtroom, staring at Your face,

This man that’s been thrown here at my feet;

And they’re flinging accusations and they’re making no sense,

Because You seem innocent enough to me.

 
Now they’re saying You’re a blasphemer, that You say You are a king;

What You’ve done to deserve this I don’t understand.

And I ask You to defend Yourself, I ask you, “What is truth?”

Because I find no basis on which this charge can stand.

 
Now they’re asking for Barabbas and they’re screaming, “Crucify!”

Draping You in purple as they slap You in the face;

Rage and fury is burning like embers in their eyes,

As they demand I make You take a murderer’s place.

 
And I swear I can smell a hint of perfume in the air,

As I again ask You to defend yourself, to speak;

Confusion creases my brow, as thorns pierce Yours,

And blood tracks crimson lines down Your cheeks.

 
How can I sentence an innocent man to death?

But I’m afraid of this crowd and I don’t know what to do;

So I turn away my face, I can’t look You in Your eyes,

As I wash my hands of the ‘King of the Jews.’

 
—————

 
I’m standing here on this hill, the place they call Golgotha,

And I don’t understand what is happening;

Hanging between two thieves, like some guilty criminal,

Is the broken body of my Lord and my King.

 
I see Your mother standing here, just staring at her Son,

Tears illuminating the anguish on her face;

And I put my arm around her, as I slowly meet Your eyes,

And I wonder why this death smells so much like grace.

 
And the soldiers are throwing dice, are they gambling for Your clothes –

While my whole heart and world slowly starts to crack?

You just told them that You’re thirsty; they shove a sponge in Your face,

As blood weeps from the stripes across Your back.

 
And now You’re offering up hope to the thief there at Your side,

As the other one mocks You in hatred and in scorn;

You’re praying, “Father, forgive them,” as tears of mercy fill Your eyes,

And I can hardly breathe as I look at what they’ve torn.

 
You cry out, “Eli…Eli…” as the world begins to shake,

As You pray, “It is finished,” darkness overwhelms the sky;

And a soldier is saying, “Surely this man was the Son of God – ”

As blood and water flow in rivers down Your side.

—————

I’m walking through this garden and I still can’t comprehend

How they pierced You and killed You on a tree;

And my broken heart’s still breaking as I walk slowly through the dark,

Not knowing how to deal with what’s ahead of me.

 
And I see Your tomb before me, but what I see makes no sense,

How has the stone already been rolled away?

And I begin to run, in disbelief to find the others,

Tears tracking lines through the dust on my face.

 
And now the men are running and I don’t understand,

Why anyone would steal You from Your tomb?

But all we see is linen lying where Your body should be,

And the scent of perfume, not death, is in this room.

 
And now there are angels before me, they’re shining like the sun,

“They have taken my Lord,” I weep, tears flowing from my eyes;

And the words that they’re saying, they’re not making any sense,

Because they’re telling me that You are alive.

 
Now I’m standing in the garden and I hear another voice,

I can scarcely breathe as You gently ask me whom I seek;

I say “Did you take Him? Can I please just go and find Him?”

But You look me in the eye and You say, “Mary…”

 

©️ Ferne Hood 2024

 

 

 

I know that this mess is my own doing,

I know this chaos is the work of my own hand,

I know I could sit here and complain to You for hours,

But I really don’t have a leg on which to stand.

I know I often fall below the standards,

The ones which You have laid out for me,

And I know my vain ambition and selfish desires,

Make this “holy” life of mine a mockery.

My heart knows the right way to do things,

But my flesh always seems to get in the way.

What I want to do, I don’t do,

And what I don’t want to do, I do anyway.

I wake up every morning and make a decision,

That today will be better than the one before;

But most of the time I take three steps backwards,

Before I’ve even taken one step out the door.

I pray for You to use me and anoint me,

Then I get distracted by my selfish wants and needs;

I strive for a life that’s worth Your calling,

But I so often see failure staring back at me.

I know Your strength is perfect in my weakness,

And I know Your grace covers a multitude of sin;

But I can’t help but feel I’m letting down the Kingdom,

Every time I quit before I can even begin.

I beg You to send your Holy Spirit,

But then I’m so eager to push Him aside,

When the trials and the tests of my failing existence,

Make me look for a rock under which to hide.

My soul longs to forever sing Your praises,

My spirit wants to live in constant truth;

But the truth is that I am just a sinner,

Falling every day; desperately seeking You.

Who am I that You are mindful of me?

I don’t understand why You’d even be here?

Why would You bother with someone so fickle?

Why would infinite Glory and Power even care?

Why would the God of the universe choose me,

When I let You down every single day?

Why would You leave the 99 just to find me,

Even though I’m the one who ran away?

I wonder if here is where You’ll meet me,

If all I have to do is come and knock;

Will You fling the door wide open for me?

Will You reach down and bring me out from under the rock?

The Word says when I knock You will be there,

If I choose to seek You I will find

That you bridge the gap between my self and my eternity,

Even though it make no sense in my mind.

So Lord here I am in my humanity,

Once again falling on my knees;

Even though I know it wont be long ‘til I’m here again,

I’m asking for You to again forgive me please.

I believe You know my tired heart is trying,

That I fall sometimes but I’m doing my best;

And I’m trusting alone in Your mercy,

And believing that Your grace will do the rest.

And as I take another step forward,

I’m hoping that You’ll remain here at my side.

And even though I know I’ll no doubt fail again,

Its under the shadow of Your wings that I now hide.

©️ Ferne Hood 2024