I had this friend when I was in high school. He was reliable, steadfast, not scared to tell me the hard truths. One day, 2003, our 15/16 year old selves were chatting on msn messenger, because those were truly the good old days, and out of the blue he said something to me that has impacted my whole life..

“Don’t change yourself, Ferne, you’re nobodies shadow.”

I think I just brushed it off at the time, sent him an awkward smiley face or something and changed the subject. I failed then to realise the importance those words would have on my life..

Ferne circa 2003. Who was I? Gosh I don’t even know. We moved around a lot growing up, never staying put more than a few years at a time. While a part of me loved the adventure of life, a part of me was tired of always being the new kid, the one with the messed up accent, the one who never quite fit in.

Introverted by nature, its hard finding your place in the world when your world is always changing. That, coupled with some pretty intense bullying in my early teens, meant I became a master chameleon, really good at changing to fit in with the environment around me. Losing myself a bit more every time the colours shifted.

I was also really good at believing that I was amazingly mediocre at most things. I was ok at playing basketball and alright at drama, my grades were alright, my art was ok, I could scrape by in French (when I wasn’t hiding in my moms office during that class.. yea.. she hated French too) and more or less hold my own in history and biology. But don’t ask about me about maths, chemistry, music, boys, small talk, being on a stage, general conversation.. utterly hopeless in those departments!

I thought I was just an ok friend, a pretty good daughter, an alright sister, most of the time.  I believed there was no one area of life that I really stood out in, excelled in, was good enough in. And most of the time I was content for this to be the case. I liked being a bit invisible, a bit in the shadows, a bit of a wallflower. It was easier when friends hadn’t ever really stuck around and goodbyes came around too quick.

By the time I got to my mid teens and my 5^th school I did have some truly wonderful friends. But I still didn’t really know how to be me. And so I morphed again to make sure I didn’t lose them. Blending in, not allowing myself to be different in any way.. I took a back seat, hiding behind their anything but mediocre-ness, content to join in on their wins so I didn’t have to try having any wins of my own and risk being reminded that I was as wanting as I truly believed I was.

But I guess this friend of mine actually saw me. He saw through the pretence and the pretend and he reminded me that I didn’t have to be an obscure, bland version of the people I was around. That is was ok to be myself, to figure out who I was, maybe to even shine. And as I sat there that day, on a gym ball in my parents bedroom, it was like I heard the heart of God through those words on the screen, giving me permission to simply.just.be.me.

And those words have come back to me so many time since that msn chat. Like when a silly boy broke my heart a couple years later, I remembered I was still enough. When my plans got flipped and I found myself on my way to Australia, terrified to start all over again, after a whole life of starting over, I remembered I just needed to be me. When I was surrounded by so many definitely not mediocre people in college, I told myself, again and again, that I was nobodies shadow. When I got married, when I had my kids, countless days that I have spent trying to figure out how to do this life well, his words have been a mantra in my mind, reminding me that being who I am is enough, no hiding, no changing, no doubting who God created me to be. No shadows, only Light.

So often we don’t realise the impact our words can have on a life. For good. For bad. I doubt his 16 year old self ever thought that what he said that day would alter so many moments in my future. I can quite honestly say I don’t think he would even remember. We lost touch and I haven’t spoken to him in well over a decade. But words remain. We can never underestimate the impact they can have on a life. For good. For bad.

So in case you don’t have a friend like him to speak random truths into your life today, I will. So listen carefully..

You, my friend, are nobodies shadow

You are more than capable, more than worthy

Do not change who you are

Do not think that you’re just some mediocre space filler

Like JLo in that silly Wedding Planner movie we all love,  you are not a poor man’s version of anyone.

Don’t waste your years trying to blend in

You are you.

And you is enough.